Wednesday, April 25, 2007

You are irreplaceable, my firstborn

Today marks the third week of the birth of my angel....Raphael Roque. Birth...I’m not even sure that it’s the right term since Raphael was born straight to heaven. I’ve been dreading writing this post because it forces me to face reality....the reality that my baby who brought me and my husband so much joy and for whom we thought the future loomed so bright is no longer with us. I sometimes wake up dazed, fully expecting the cries of a hungry baby...a sound that have not and will never come.

I can still remember the day when my baby was diagnosed with having Edward’s syndrome during the seventh month of my pregnancy. The doctor advised my husband and I to prepare, both emotionally and spiritually, for the eventuality that our baby would only have a short life here on earth, that is if we even get to meet him alive. The odds were simply stacked against Raphael. But in spite of all the preparations, nothing could have prepared me for the deluge of emotions upon seeing the lifeless body of my son. Oh how handsome he was! With wispy hair, tender features and lips as red as a rose. It was truly gut-wrenching. I felt so helpless...I could not do anything to help save my baby, the baby whom my husband and I brought to life.

While my baby’s life may have been short, I will forever be grateful for his legacy. He has taught me how to love unconditionally...the way a mother loves her child, to see beyond his physical defects, see the beautiful person inside and love him with all her heart and soul.

I’ve always wondered why God took my angel away even before we got to meet him. I have this theory that maybe my son saw heaven and wanted immediately to play with other angels. Others say that maybe the soul of my son was so beautiful that God immediately wanted him by His side. Whatever the reason, one thing is for sure – Raphael is now happy in heaven, together with my father and brother, playing happily with other angels, waiting patiently for the day he eventually gets to meet his parents.

Oh how my heart aches so much for my baby. But for now, tears are my refuge and sleep, my comfort. To my precious baby Raphael Roque, I would like you to know that we love you and you will forever reside in our hearts. You are irreplaceable, my firstborn, my sweet angel Raphael. Till we meet again.