Wednesday, April 25, 2007

You are irreplaceable, my firstborn




Today marks the third week of the birth of my angel....Raphael Roque. Birth...I’m not even sure that it’s the right term since Raphael was born straight to heaven. I’ve been dreading writing this post because it forces me to face reality....the reality that my baby who brought me and my husband so much joy and for whom we thought the future loomed so bright is no longer with us. I sometimes wake up dazed, fully expecting the cries of a hungry baby...a sound that have not and will never come.


I can still remember the day when my baby was diagnosed with having Edward’s syndrome during the seventh month of my pregnancy. The doctor advised my husband and I to prepare, both emotionally and spiritually, for the eventuality that our baby would only have a short life here on earth, that is if we even get to meet him alive. The odds were simply stacked against Raphael. But in spite of all the preparations, nothing could have prepared me for the deluge of emotions upon seeing the lifeless body of my son. Oh how handsome he was! With wispy hair, tender features and lips as red as a rose. It was truly gut-wrenching. I felt so helpless...I could not do anything to help save my baby, the baby whom my husband and I brought to life.


While my baby’s life may have been short, I will forever be grateful for his legacy. He has taught me how to love unconditionally...the way a mother loves her child, to see beyond his physical defects, see the beautiful person inside and love him with all her heart and soul.


I’ve always wondered why God took my angel away even before we got to meet him. I have this theory that maybe my son saw heaven and wanted immediately to play with other angels. Others say that maybe the soul of my son was so beautiful that God immediately wanted him by His side. Whatever the reason, one thing is for sure – Raphael is now happy in heaven, together with my father and brother, playing happily with other angels, waiting patiently for the day he eventually gets to meet his parents.


Oh how my heart aches so much for my baby. But for now, tears are my refuge and sleep, my comfort. To my precious baby Raphael Roque, I would like you to know that we love you and you will forever reside in our hearts. You are irreplaceable, my firstborn, my sweet angel Raphael. Till we meet again.

46 comments:

snglguy said...

It's times like this that I wish I can come up with words to comfort and soothe. I'm totally at a loss for words... :-(

You would have been a great Mom to little Raphael.

My deepest condolences to you and your hubby.

kyels said...

I'm so sorry to hear that ate ... I'm sure that Little Raphael is doing good in heaven.

I can feel your sadness and your unconditional love for him.

I hope that you'll be okay soon. Ingat ka palagi ...

*hugs*

ipanema said...

{{{hugs}}}

Oh dear. I'm sorry to read this news. My heartfelt condolences to you and your husband.

Yes, your angel is happy in heaven watching his loving parents and his siblings to come.

Take care of yourself now.

Rey said...

Words couldn't express how sorry I am to know this, Mar.

I just hope, and hope I will, that just as your angel christened "Raphael", you will also feel within your heart the meaning of his name. May yourheart have the "healing of God".

Major Tom said...

I so admire your strentgh and courage in facing this sad episode in you and your husband's life as a couple but as you said there must be reasons that God had taken away Raphael so early, and be with the angels after a short stint on Earth.

My condolences to you.

niceheart said...

This is very touching and I am crying as I write this. I am so sorry for your loss, ladybug.

There is also a girl at work. She's Filipino but was born and raised here in Canada. She and her husband also lost their first baby about two or three years ago. A baby boy who only lived for a few minutes. And her story came to mind when I read about your baby's situation in your previous post. She's deaf and mute btw. She emailed as after the baby was gone and she explained what happened and how the doctor explained to her and her husband that it wasn't their fault, that they did nothing wrong and it could have happened to anybody.

I guess that's also what I would want to say to you. But I'm sure you already know that. I'm babbling here and I don't really know the right words to say. So take care, ladybug.

Lazarus said...

My heartfelt condolences to you and to your husband. May the Lord God comfort you in this very difficult time.

ladybug said...

snglguy> I discovered during this time of grief that friends don't need to write or say a lengthy acknowledgment of my grief, knowing that they're there is enough. Thank you very much for the kind words.

ladybug said...

kyels> Thank you very much for the kind words. I am really still sad over the loss of my angel. In fact, not a day goes by that I do not cry. While the wounds may heal over a long period of time, I can truly say that a part of me died along with Raphael. I will truly truly miss him. *hugs* Thanks again.

ladybug said...

ipanema> Thank you very much. It's really difficult, while I know that he's happy in heaven, I still feel a bit shortchanged for not having had the chance to meet him alive. While family and friends have tried to console me, I feel that I need to go through the whole grieving process. Thanks again for the kind words. Hope you're also ok.

ladybug said...

rey> Thank you very much. I liked the name Raphael early on during the fifth month, even before we knew of his condition. It's just so ironic that his name belied his true condition. We decided to give him that name anyway even after his diagnosis because we were still hoping for a miracle, that God will heal him. While our wishes may not have been granted here on earth, I know that he's fully healed in heaven right now.

ladybug said...

major tom> Thank you very much. I'm afraid I'm not really that strong. My husband has been my pillar of support from day 1. Without him, I don't know how I could have made it through. Whenever I'm feeling weak, I just close my eyes and imagine Raphael having a grand time in heaven.

ladybug said...

niceheart> Thank you very much for the kind words. I also cried after reading your message.

I know, the perinatologist also told us that our son's condition was not our fault. The extra chromosome was just an accident and occurred during conception. The son of your officemate probably had the same condition. Babies with Edward's syndrome usually do not make it out alive, and if they do, they do not last long. However, I found out in the trisomy 18 support group that there are actually a few living teenagers with Edward's syndrome. Oh no, I guess I'm babbling too. I guess it's really therapeutic for me to talk about my son and his condition. Thanks again.

Sidney said...

I am so sad to hear this... my condolences to you and your husband.
To loose your child is indeed the worst that can happen.
I wish you a lot of strength to overcome your grief!
I am sure little Raphael is now happy in heaven.

ladybug said...

lazarus> Thank you very much. It really has been very difficult for me especially since I was the one who carried him in my womb for 8 months. I find myself praying and turning to God a lot these days.

ladybug said...

sidney> Thank you very much for the kind words. It was, and still is, a very difficult experience for me and my husband. I always pray to God to give us the strength to overcome our grief.

Mita said...

*hugs*

vic said...

My deepest sympathy to you and your husband for the sad news about Baby Raphael. While his life on earth was short, you and your husband know that an everlasting one follows and for that we will celebrate.

Take good care..

Jennie said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband.

Raphael was truly a beautiful little angel.

snglguy said...

Have a great weekend, ladybug. And Take care, ok? :-)

ladybug said...

mita> Thanks! *hugs!* to you also.

ladybug said...

vic> Thanks for the nice words. I know that my son is happy in heaven right now. I'm just sad that I did not get to meet him alive before he had to go. I'm looking forward to meeting him in heaven someday. :-)

ladybug said...

jennie> Thank you very much. Oh how beautiful he looked! With red red lips. I guess that's the reason why I wear red lipstick nowadays. Reminds me of his beautiful red lips. :-)

ladybug said...

snglguy> Thanks for the concern. I definitely will. And hope you also had a great weekend.

rhodora said...

Oh, Ladybug... I'm so sorry.

I hope you and your husband are coping now. Your baby is now an angel watching over you, and praying too, that in God's time, you shall be blessed with another child. God bless. *Hugs*

David Edward said...

condolence po.. im sad po for what happened. hay..

ladybug said...

rhodora> Hi there! Thanks for the nice words. My husband and I are trying to cope with what happened but it has really been especially painful for me. I am thankful that my husband has been very supportive whenever I have crying fits. I do hope we have another child soon but he/she won't be able to replace Raphael. But he/she will be another blessing from the Lord. *hugs*

ladybug said...

edward> Thank you very much. It has truly been a sad and heartbreaking experience for my husband and I. I'm still trying to make sense of God's plan for us.

meily said...

dearest... my condolences to you. im sure your angel is happy there in Heaven. Even if he did not experience life here on earth, he did experience the love you had for him... Love trancends time and space.. i'm very sure you have made him feel very loved. After reading this post, I felt the intimacy of your unconditional love for him. your a great mom.... :)

David Edward said...

my training lang po ako d2 sa US kaya po wala ako sa pinas now. pero balik na rin po ako.. hehehe

Bonito99 said...

My heart feels for you and your angel baby.

He will always be with you.

Raphael's taking care of mommy and daddy now.

ladybug said...

meily> I tried to be strong while I was carrying him, even after the doctor's diagnosis that he had t18. I continually talked to him and told him how much Mommy and Daddy loved him. I'm just sad that my wish to meet him alive did not come true. Thanks for the kind words.

ladybug said...

david edward> Kala ko kasi nasa US ka na for good eh. Take care and hope you have a safe flight back home. :-)

ladybug said...

bonito> Thank you very much. Raphael is really an angel and even though he is in heaven right now, he will always reside in our hearts. I'm just having a difficult time since the pain is still fresh and I can't see past the grief. I hope that one day, things will get better.

Senor Enrique said...

My deep condolences, Ladybug. I wish I knew of the magical words to say that could just assuage the pain you're dealing with.

Abaniko said...

So sorry to hear about this sad news, Ladybug. I don't know what to say. *Hugs*

ladybug said...

eric> Thanks. Don't worry about saying the magical words, I appreciate the fact that you left a message here. In moments of grief, just knowing that your friends are there is enough. :-)

ladybug said...

abaniko> Thank you very much. *hugs!* :-) Raphael is in a much better place right now, where there is no suffering.

Bugsybee said...

OMG, Ladybug. I am so so sorry to read about this. I checked on your blog just before my service went dead (April 21) because I remembered your little angel.

I know that nothing that I write here will ease the pain of losing your little Raphael but I just want you to know that I do believe in angels and what they can do for us.

A friend also recently lost her baby and we were at a loss for words to comfort her. It was she who finally assured us she was alright when she said, "I take comfort in knowing that nothing can now ever separate me from my child because wherever he is, I carry him in my heart and I know he is always watching over me." I wish the same for you and your hubby.

ladybug said...

bugsybee> Thank you for your kind words. While I know that Raphael is an angel right now and is in a much better place than where we are now, I am still in great pain over what happened. I hope in time this pain will lessen, but I want to keep him forever in my heart.

myepinoy said...

Everyone deserves a place in the whole wide universe. It is only that some are destined to be on earth temporarily while others are meant to be in heaven immediately.

Your son definitely belongs to that higher place.

momoftwo said...

Hi. I am sorry to hear about what happened to your son Raphael. He's in a better place now.

I could feel your pain, you are in my prayers. Take care!

Anonymous said...

I was touched by you & your Angel Raphael's fate. Just remember, everything happens according to the Thy will. - LENAREH

ladybug said...

myepinoy> That is certainly one of my coping mechanisms...knowing that my son is peaceful and happy in heaven right now. Thanks for the kind words. :-D

ladybug said...

momoftwo> Thanks! I hope everything is ok with your 2 kids.

ladybug said...

Lenareh> Thanks for dropping by and the kind words. I continually pray hard to God that Raphael is happy in His company.